Quotes From Pride and Prejudice and Zombies

“You will excuse me for saying so, but I have never seen a zombie’s head taken off by words—nor do I ever expect to.” (77)

“It is a truth universally acknowledged that a zombie in possession of brains must be in want of more brains.” (The opening line.)

“The gentlemen did approach, and when Mr. Wickham walked into the room, Elizabeth felt as if she has just been stunned by a devastating roundhouse kick.” (62)

“This is quite shocking! He deserves to be felled at the end of a Zatoichi Cane Sword!” (65)

“Thank you, sir, but I am perfectly content being the bride of death. We must not all expect Jane’s good fortune.” (105)

“Elizabeth sheathed her sword, knelt behind him, and strangled him to death with his own large bowel.” (130)

“Curious,” said Elizabeth, still chewing, “I have tasted many a heart, but I dare say, I find the Japanese ones a bit tender. ” (132)

“Elizabeth immediately fastened her modesty ring and began walking about the room on her fingertips.” (138)

“During one such moment, Mr. Wickham happily boasted of his intention of practicing his roundhouse kicks on our deaf stable boy, in hopes that a broken neck would serve as punishment for a saddle polishing that hadn’t met with his approval. My affection for the wretched servant required that I shatter both of Mr. Wickham’s legs…” (159)

“Stained glass windows ran the length of each side, which told the story of England’s descent from peace into chaos; the last window portrayed a resurrected Christ returning to slay the last of the unmentionables, Excalibur in hand.” (172)

“Bodies lay everywhere: in pews; in aisles—the tops of their skulls cracked open; every last bite of their brains scraped out, like pumpkin seeds from a jack-o’-lantern.” (173)

“The rules were simple: sneak up behind one of the large bucks grazing in the nearby woods, wrestle it to the ground, and kiss it on the nose before letting it go.” (182)

“…Mr. Darcy was reported to be in town for a meeting of the League of Gentlemen for the Encouragement of Continued Hostilities Against Our Most Unwelcome Enemy.”(193)

“’Your balls, Mr. Darcy?’ He reached out and closed her hand around them, and offered, ‘They belong to you, Miss Bennet.’” (205)

“Never had she so honestly felt that she could have loved him, as now, when all love must be vain.” (222)

“Elizabeth and Jane could find no solace in their deer wrestling, nor could they depend on their younger sisters for company, as both were forever engaged in crafting some new method of disembowelment for Mr. Wickham.” (236)

“And let me conclude by congratulating upon your death, as I shall myself be dead by the time this post reaches you—handing from a branch in Charlotte’s favorite tree, in the garden which her ladyship was so magnanimous in granting us stewardship over. I AM, DEAR SIR, ETC., ETC.” (238)

“…and another thousand to provide for those sorry girls he had left with the stains of shame.” (238)

“For every rod of wet bamboo upon the student’s back, the teacher deserves two.” (239)

“What a pair of warriors they would make! Sparring by the river at Pemberley; crossing the Altai Mountains in a fine coach on their way to Kyoto or Shanghai—their children eager to master death as their mother and father had before them.” (250)

“Leather straps kept him fastened to his traveling bed, which was redolent of stale piss…” (253)

“…but I do not particularly desire the rest of my life spend emptying piss pots.” (255)

“Thank you,” said Lydia, “for if you did, I should certainly tell you all, and then Wickham would surely punish me with an ill-timed soiling.” (257)

“But it was two or three minutes of savage beating before he could get from her what he wanted.” (259)

“Second, he would allow Mr. Darcy to render him lame, as punishment for a lifetime of vice and betrayal, and to ensure that he would never lay another hand in anger, nor leave another bastard behind.” (260)

“Is there one among the sex who would not protest against such a weakness as a second proposal to the same woman? He should sooner make an offer to a zombie!” (275)

“Oh! You are more obstinate than a Human mule!” (276)

“Had Elizabeth been anything less than perfectly fit, the blow would most assuredly splintered her spine.” (289)

“The younger took full advantage of this confusion, striking her ladyship about the head, neck, and bosom with a severe combination of blows, and a final kick that drove her so high as to shatter two of the wooden rafters overhead.” (290)

“…Lady Catherine’s sword was dispatched with a well-aimed butterfly kick.” (292)

“The creatures were crawling on their hands and knees, biting into ripe heads of cauliflower, which they had mistaken for stray brains.” (302)

“It has been coming on so gradually, that I hardly know when it began. But I believe I must date it from my first seeing the way his trousers clung to those most English parts.” (305)

“…—begging, nay daring, God to send me more enemies to kill.” (311)

“And the sisters Bennett—servants of His Majesty, protectors of Hertfordshire, beholders of the secrets of Shaolin, and brides of death—were now, three of them, brides of man, their swords quieted by that only force more powerful than any warrior.” (317)


About evinhughes

I am a graduate of Georgia Southern University. I have a bachelors degree in Information Technology and a bachelors in Writing and Linguistics.
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